Stupid me.

oké today i just did something so stupid.

I hate myself for doing that... argh.. I hate this feeling and i can't believe i jut blurpt it out.. oo iam so stupid.. oeff i can kick my ass for doing that...

Ok i got twisted in someone els game.. oeff. the bitter truth...how

ok ok ok i confess even iam human.

Magical 07-07-07

For all the people that have a date fetisj. YEAHHHHH there is something in the air.

I like the date to.. Why i don't know... :D
Today is Saturday, i went to the library to study.. hello its Saturday.. Yeah i know its the things we all do for our study. But i surprised myself.. I liked it today, The weather was sunny with a coll breeze and for a second it felt like me standing in Suriname or Guyana. It was peace full no hectic of the day. Didn't had to rush my day.. It felt so good. hmmm.. :D

like 5 pm i went home. I had the house for myself. start cooking and than my mom came home.. She brought the twin with her. Ufff they are a hand full.. they can chatter ur ears of ur head haha.. but they are sweet. Than we dined together and i went for a walk with the twin at the playground. after a Little half hour Ilay said, i need to pee.. Oeps.. we rushed back home so he could relief himself. hahaha... funny... Than i made them ready for bed. Anisa in mom's bed and Ilay in my Little brothers bed.

So now its al most 11 pm and iam really tiered.

So now i will put myself in bed.

sleep well.(K)

Emotional drama

Today,

iam really so tiered, I had a take home exam.. You would think it would be easy. NOT so i went to bed at 3.30 AM or something and had to wake up at 7.00 AM so u know i had really no sleep. And now i want to sleep, but don't feel like.

I noticed that since a while that when i don't sleep enough or if iam to tiered my whole emotional household would be dramatic. I just would sit somewhere and feel sorry for myself. how crazy is that.. First i thought it might be my own crazy thing. I couldn't understand it. Because..It wasn't me. .. Thankfull some off my elderly collegeas recognise the same thing emotional drama. So now iam a litlebit relieved. And try to get my routine.. but still sometimes.. pfff... How important is ur daily routine... feeling this bad and emotional.. i can say.... damn important.. So now iam gonna sleep..

maybe there is hope for me.

What will you do in five years?

Wow that's a big question for me. I used to live day by day. situation by situation. so thinking about a five year plan. wow. The question is what do i want from live that has been given to me as a gift. Why does that same gift sometimes feels as a curse. What do i ask from live. I think i should ask myself what can i give life.

I can be the honest/ loved / kindest/ generous person, that i can be; I can ask for a great job, a loving family a loving and caring husband, but would i get it. how silly is it to ask.. do you know what....Who cares i go for it.. I want a career so i can express myself and be an help for the persons around me. I want to make a different... I want a loving family of my own, I want a caring loving devoted husband/life partner/ soul partner, so shall i be for him... OK Let me see if i can reach it in five years. But first step. i have to trust myself of doing it. That's my higher goal. To life life it fullest. To enjoy it. if there was no tomorrow.

i found this mantra.. on the net... will it really work? hm mm

I Accept, I Thank, I Surrender. In Front of You; You, the Universe; You, the Cosmos; You, the Guiding Hand, G-D. A Living G-D, the G-D of All Existence. You have returned and restored my living essence, my consciousness of this coming day within me, as a consequence of your beneficence, mercy and goodness. Great is your faith in me and I will not let you down. And I will not let my family down. And I will not let my friends down. And I will not let the stranger down. And in that way, I will not let you down. Amen.

“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” Oprah Winfrey

Grey's anatomy

''You're my penisfish,'' ''You've crawled in and latched on, and now I can't move or talk or think or even pee without the nagging feeling that something is eating through my organs.''

Metaphor of the day.. of the epic of Grey's anatomy..

Hilarious..

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today."

I Will Survive

This song is now in my head. I just heart the music off it and now the melody will not go out off my head. It´s so anoying to have that...
.......................................................................

First I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking i could never life

without you by my side

But i spent so many nights

thinking how you did me wrong

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on

and so you're back

from outer space

I just walked in to find you here

with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed my stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If i had known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door

just turn around now

'couse you'r not welcome anymore

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

you think I'd crumble

you think i'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart

and I spent oh so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

Now i hold my head up high

and you see me

somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

still in love with you

and so you felt like dropping in

and just expect me te be free

now I'm saving all my loving

for someone who's loving me

Lyrics I Will Survive Lyrics » Gloria Gaynor

I stopped living..

do you know what my problem is. I stopped living. and Why? I wanted to protect my family and friends, I wanted to save the world, that wasn't mine to save.

I stopped living a long time ago. Now i am lost in the reality. You think people would do the same thing for you, when your black day would come. But the bitter truth is that they live further. Without looking back. stupid me. was i that naive?

I stopped living because i couldn't enjoy life, knowing that the people i loved were unhappy and in pain. So i stopped living. I stopped my love, my luck, my everything for the higher goal.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. --Maria Robinson

I miss dancing

The Natya Karma

Khantaanyat Lambayat GeetamHastana Artha PradakshayatChakshubhyam Darshayat BhavomPadabhyam Tala AcheraitYato Hasta Stato DrushtiYato Drushti Stato ManahaYato Manaha Stato BhavomYato Bhavom Stato Rasaha

खंतान्यत लम्बयत गीताम्हास्ताना अर्थ प्रदक्षयात्चाक्शुभ्यम दर्शायत भावोम्पदाभ्यम टला अचेरैत्यातो हस्त स्तातो दृष्टियातो दृष्टी स्तातो मनाहयातो मनः स्तातो भावोम्यतो भावों स्तातो रसः

keep the song in your troath
bring out the meaning
Your glance should be full of expression
While your feet maintain the rhythm
Where the hand goes, there the eyes should follow
Where the eyes are, the mind should follow
Where the mind is, there the expression should be brought out
Where the expression is, there the flavor will be experienced (by the audience).

Lately i miss dancing on the kathak, odisee style, Not fancy, bollywood or Salsa. Just the old style. I just loved the rythms. Hmm shayed i should start again. If i just read the qoute above.. And i sigh, I loved to express myself in dance. Strange to say it but dance comfort me when i was sad, when i was happy. It was full of passion. Even if there were rules you had to follow. Oefff.. me have to dance....

How logic are you?

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

Hmm.. maybe i should think logically...

My Inner European

Your Inner European is Russian!

Mysterious and exotic.You've got a great balance of danger and allure.

Who's" Your Inner European?

Russian....hmmmm

Insomnia de-fect

Last night i was suffering from temporary insomnia. We had a short Holiday leave. You should think that would be enough to be on your feats again.

But no.. me was having difficulties with sleeping, and the result was that my whole day was drained. I couldn't get out of bed, and when i did things were going very slowly. At work i just noticed that i had a short string of being moody, towards my trainee and clients. Oeff bad off me. So. So i had to be very alert on my inner self. Otherwise i would say things, that i would be regretting later on.

My night rest is so import. Sometimes i ask myself, how come some people can live day and night without sleeping and still be alert. Damn. Think I'm getting old. I love my cosybed, but last night he wasn't soft and cosy. He couldn't rock me to fall in sleep.

maybe tonight he will be cosy and soft again. perhaps.

Being messed up

Ok, I am one of those people that is a mess at the moment or the most of the time. I try to find my own life, my own path. I try to do the right thing, but still there is something, i do wrong.

I hate this confusion. i hate blogging. Because i can't express myself like i would. Every time i try, i just get blackout. Got stuck middle in a sentence. Shayed blogging is nothing form me. It just confuse me more about my inner self.

Smile Empty Soul Lyrics - Finding Myself Lyrics

I don't care anymore if I let you down

I believe that I need to be free

I'm so used to my life with you around

I don't know anymore....the real me

And i thought i found my self today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

All these tears that I've cried

You must be tired of taking care of me but

Its what you do best and

I'm a liar cause really its what I need

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

Someone like you

Someone like me

Maybe its change that set you free

Free....

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

Being thankfull

Today, i am thankful for just being me. And having family and friends around me. There are not much moments in life, for the gratefull- feelings.. So hearby i just wanna say.. Iam thankfull... for this moment..

Highway

being a tourist in my own country

Great architecture

The architecture is so beautiful, sadly this is a remake of the real one. During my visit to India we went to Ramoji's film studio. I am not a fan of those kind of sets, but still i like the building. Maybe one day i can visit the real historical building.

Cooking in the old style

Cooking on the old style, and believe me it was delicious.. yammie

Panjayed

The first time in the Village, there was a big panjayed discussion. It made a great picture. For me, from the west, it was a new sight.

In the Sky

Feeling a littlebit free, in the sky

The cutting Tree

I like this picture i captured, during my stay in India. They were cutting the tree, but half way they stopped. So you, let me know what you think when you see this picture.