Stupid me.

oké today i just did something so stupid.

I hate myself for doing that... argh.. I hate this feeling and i can't believe i jut blurpt it out.. oo iam so stupid.. oeff i can kick my ass for doing that...

Ok i got twisted in someone els game.. oeff. the bitter truth...how

ok ok ok i confess even iam human.

Magical 07-07-07

For all the people that have a date fetisj. YEAHHHHH there is something in the air.

I like the date to.. Why i don't know... :D
Today is Saturday, i went to the library to study.. hello its Saturday.. Yeah i know its the things we all do for our study. But i surprised myself.. I liked it today, The weather was sunny with a coll breeze and for a second it felt like me standing in Suriname or Guyana. It was peace full no hectic of the day. Didn't had to rush my day.. It felt so good. hmmm.. :D

like 5 pm i went home. I had the house for myself. start cooking and than my mom came home.. She brought the twin with her. Ufff they are a hand full.. they can chatter ur ears of ur head haha.. but they are sweet. Than we dined together and i went for a walk with the twin at the playground. after a Little half hour Ilay said, i need to pee.. Oeps.. we rushed back home so he could relief himself. hahaha... funny... Than i made them ready for bed. Anisa in mom's bed and Ilay in my Little brothers bed.

So now its al most 11 pm and iam really tiered.

So now i will put myself in bed.

sleep well.(K)

Emotional drama

Today,

iam really so tiered, I had a take home exam.. You would think it would be easy. NOT so i went to bed at 3.30 AM or something and had to wake up at 7.00 AM so u know i had really no sleep. And now i want to sleep, but don't feel like.

I noticed that since a while that when i don't sleep enough or if iam to tiered my whole emotional household would be dramatic. I just would sit somewhere and feel sorry for myself. how crazy is that.. First i thought it might be my own crazy thing. I couldn't understand it. Because..It wasn't me. .. Thankfull some off my elderly collegeas recognise the same thing emotional drama. So now iam a litlebit relieved. And try to get my routine.. but still sometimes.. pfff... How important is ur daily routine... feeling this bad and emotional.. i can say.... damn important.. So now iam gonna sleep..

maybe there is hope for me.

What will you do in five years?

Wow that's a big question for me. I used to live day by day. situation by situation. so thinking about a five year plan. wow. The question is what do i want from live that has been given to me as a gift. Why does that same gift sometimes feels as a curse. What do i ask from live. I think i should ask myself what can i give life.

I can be the honest/ loved / kindest/ generous person, that i can be; I can ask for a great job, a loving family a loving and caring husband, but would i get it. how silly is it to ask.. do you know what....Who cares i go for it.. I want a career so i can express myself and be an help for the persons around me. I want to make a different... I want a loving family of my own, I want a caring loving devoted husband/life partner/ soul partner, so shall i be for him... OK Let me see if i can reach it in five years. But first step. i have to trust myself of doing it. That's my higher goal. To life life it fullest. To enjoy it. if there was no tomorrow.

i found this mantra.. on the net... will it really work? hm mm

I Accept, I Thank, I Surrender. In Front of You; You, the Universe; You, the Cosmos; You, the Guiding Hand, G-D. A Living G-D, the G-D of All Existence. You have returned and restored my living essence, my consciousness of this coming day within me, as a consequence of your beneficence, mercy and goodness. Great is your faith in me and I will not let you down. And I will not let my family down. And I will not let my friends down. And I will not let the stranger down. And in that way, I will not let you down. Amen.

“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” Oprah Winfrey

Grey's anatomy

''You're my penisfish,'' ''You've crawled in and latched on, and now I can't move or talk or think or even pee without the nagging feeling that something is eating through my organs.''

Metaphor of the day.. of the epic of Grey's anatomy..

Hilarious..

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today."

I Will Survive

This song is now in my head. I just heart the music off it and now the melody will not go out off my head. It´s so anoying to have that...
.......................................................................

First I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking i could never life

without you by my side

But i spent so many nights

thinking how you did me wrong

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on

and so you're back

from outer space

I just walked in to find you here

with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed my stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If i had known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door

just turn around now

'couse you'r not welcome anymore

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

you think I'd crumble

you think i'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart

and I spent oh so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

Now i hold my head up high

and you see me

somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

still in love with you

and so you felt like dropping in

and just expect me te be free

now I'm saving all my loving

for someone who's loving me

Lyrics I Will Survive Lyrics » Gloria Gaynor

I stopped living..

do you know what my problem is. I stopped living. and Why? I wanted to protect my family and friends, I wanted to save the world, that wasn't mine to save.

I stopped living a long time ago. Now i am lost in the reality. You think people would do the same thing for you, when your black day would come. But the bitter truth is that they live further. Without looking back. stupid me. was i that naive?

I stopped living because i couldn't enjoy life, knowing that the people i loved were unhappy and in pain. So i stopped living. I stopped my love, my luck, my everything for the higher goal.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. --Maria Robinson

I miss dancing

The Natya Karma

Khantaanyat Lambayat GeetamHastana Artha PradakshayatChakshubhyam Darshayat BhavomPadabhyam Tala AcheraitYato Hasta Stato DrushtiYato Drushti Stato ManahaYato Manaha Stato BhavomYato Bhavom Stato Rasaha

खंतान्यत लम्बयत गीताम्हास्ताना अर्थ प्रदक्षयात्चाक्शुभ्यम दर्शायत भावोम्पदाभ्यम टला अचेरैत्यातो हस्त स्तातो दृष्टियातो दृष्टी स्तातो मनाहयातो मनः स्तातो भावोम्यतो भावों स्तातो रसः

keep the song in your troath
bring out the meaning
Your glance should be full of expression
While your feet maintain the rhythm
Where the hand goes, there the eyes should follow
Where the eyes are, the mind should follow
Where the mind is, there the expression should be brought out
Where the expression is, there the flavor will be experienced (by the audience).

Lately i miss dancing on the kathak, odisee style, Not fancy, bollywood or Salsa. Just the old style. I just loved the rythms. Hmm shayed i should start again. If i just read the qoute above.. And i sigh, I loved to express myself in dance. Strange to say it but dance comfort me when i was sad, when i was happy. It was full of passion. Even if there were rules you had to follow. Oefff.. me have to dance....

How logic are you?

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

Hmm.. maybe i should think logically...

My Inner European

Your Inner European is Russian!

Mysterious and exotic.You've got a great balance of danger and allure.

Who's" Your Inner European?

Russian....hmmmm

Insomnia de-fect

Last night i was suffering from temporary insomnia. We had a short Holiday leave. You should think that would be enough to be on your feats again.

But no.. me was having difficulties with sleeping, and the result was that my whole day was drained. I couldn't get out of bed, and when i did things were going very slowly. At work i just noticed that i had a short string of being moody, towards my trainee and clients. Oeff bad off me. So. So i had to be very alert on my inner self. Otherwise i would say things, that i would be regretting later on.

My night rest is so import. Sometimes i ask myself, how come some people can live day and night without sleeping and still be alert. Damn. Think I'm getting old. I love my cosybed, but last night he wasn't soft and cosy. He couldn't rock me to fall in sleep.

maybe tonight he will be cosy and soft again. perhaps.

Being messed up

Ok, I am one of those people that is a mess at the moment or the most of the time. I try to find my own life, my own path. I try to do the right thing, but still there is something, i do wrong.

I hate this confusion. i hate blogging. Because i can't express myself like i would. Every time i try, i just get blackout. Got stuck middle in a sentence. Shayed blogging is nothing form me. It just confuse me more about my inner self.

Smile Empty Soul Lyrics - Finding Myself Lyrics

I don't care anymore if I let you down

I believe that I need to be free

I'm so used to my life with you around

I don't know anymore....the real me

And i thought i found my self today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

All these tears that I've cried

You must be tired of taking care of me but

Its what you do best and

I'm a liar cause really its what I need

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

Someone like you

Someone like me

Maybe its change that set you free

Free....

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

And I thought that I found myself today

And I thought that I had control

All the change in my life just fell away

For a moment I didn't need you

Being thankfull

Today, i am thankful for just being me. And having family and friends around me. There are not much moments in life, for the gratefull- feelings.. So hearby i just wanna say.. Iam thankfull... for this moment..

Highway

being a tourist in my own country

Great architecture

The architecture is so beautiful, sadly this is a remake of the real one. During my visit to India we went to Ramoji's film studio. I am not a fan of those kind of sets, but still i like the building. Maybe one day i can visit the real historical building.

Cooking in the old style

Cooking on the old style, and believe me it was delicious.. yammie

Panjayed

The first time in the Village, there was a big panjayed discussion. It made a great picture. For me, from the west, it was a new sight.

In the Sky

Feeling a littlebit free, in the sky

The cutting Tree

I like this picture i captured, during my stay in India. They were cutting the tree, but half way they stopped. So you, let me know what you think when you see this picture.

Like or be liked

-May those that love us, love us.And those that don’t love us,May God turn their hearts.And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,May he turn their ankles,So we’ll know them by their limping.-

Today, i think this is a nice Irish Toast. Ok ok the ankles parts sounds qreepy, but even than it is a methafor.

Why are we men, so bussy with liking people and backwards. Ok most of us will say, "Hell no i'm not into those habits. I don't care if people like me or not". But my question is.. really? will you be that unsensitive, that it will not effect you. In my case. It will but there are levels...People can get to me in this case only if i have feelings/ emotions for them. You can say familiy and friends. And people in general, they stand further off me. But even than, it will effect me, but less. Should i admire those people that can shut themself of feelings, or should i be thankfull of my own feeling of being a human?

Maybe the answer will come one day..

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I hate the world today You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me
Like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm no mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm no mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think you've got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm no mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer I'm your angel undercover
I've been dumped, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive You know I wouldn't want it any other way ***************************

Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Osho

7. Awareness

Try Again

Awareness
Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action. This mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim. Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.
Osho A Sudden Clash of Thunder Chapter 1

Commentary:
The veil of illusion, or maya, that has been keeping you from perceiving reality as it is, is starting to burn away. The fire is not the heated fire of passion, but the cool flame of awareness. As it burns the veil, the face of a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible. The awareness that is growing in you now is not the result of any conscious "doing", nor do you need to struggle to make something happen. Any sense you might have had that you've been groping in the dark is dissolving now, or will be dissolving soon. Let yourself settle, and remember that deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged. A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help you to become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from your eyes.

23. De Schepper

Probeer nog eens

De Schepper
Er zijn twee soorten scheppers in de wereld: het ene soort schepper werkt met objecten - dichters, schilders, zij werken met objecten, zij creëren dingen; het andere soort schepper, de mysticus, schept zichzelf. Hij werkt niet met objecten, hij werkt met het subject; hij werkt aan zichzelf, zijn eigen wezen. En hij is de ware schepper, de ware dichter, want hij maakt van zichzelf een meesterwerk. In jou zit een meesterwerk verborgen, maar je staat zelf in de weg. Stap opzij, dan wordt het meesterwerk onthuld. Iedereen is een meesterwerk, want God schenkt nooit het leven aan iets dat minder is. Ieder draagt dat verborgen meesterwerk levens lang met zich mee en weet niet wie hij is; alleen aan de oppervlakte probeert hij iemand te worden. Laat het idee varen dat je iemand moet worden, want je bent al een meesterwerk. Je bent niet voor verbetering vatbaar. Je hoeft het alleen maar te vinden, te weten, te beseffen. God zelf heeft je geschapen, je bent niet voor verbetering vatbaar.
Osho Ah, This! Chapter 1

Kommentaar
De zen-meester op deze kaart heeft de vuurenergie getemd en is in staat deze voor creatieve in plaats van destructieve doeleinden te gebruiken. Hij nodigt ons uit het inzicht, verkregen door hen die meester zijn geworden over het vuur van de hartstocht zonder dit te onderdrukken of destructief en onevenwichtig te laten worden, te herkennen en er deelgenoot van te worden. Hij is zo geïntegreerd dat er geen verschil meer bestaat tussen wie hij van binnen is en wie hij in de buitenwereld is. Hij biedt dit inzicht en deze integratie aan als geschenk aan iedereen die bij hem komt, de gave van het scheppende licht dat uit het centrum van zijn wezen straalt. De Vuurheer vertelt ons dat alles wat we nu ondernemen, vanuit het inzicht dat volwassenheid met zich meebrengt, ons eigen leven en het leven van anderen zal verrijken. Gebruik alle vermogens die je hebt, alles wat je van je eigen levenservaring hebt geleerd; het is tijd om je te uiten.

Valentine day

still learning

rain-thoughts

do you know how hard it is to blog something about yourself. That strangers kan read have a peak in side your head...- LOL-

I was walking home from work, it was raining, but i didn't mind. mine thoughts could go its way... It was nice. The fresh air was coming towards me.. And i looked after a long time to the expression on peoples faces. It was nice... The whole setup was dramatic dark rainy day,but people where laughing and walking fast to their destination. Even me. But the rain made me..uhmm how shall i descibe it.. it made me feel free in some kind of strange way...

today my day went by, by observing people. I just love to read the emotions on someones face. so impressive. That brings me on a topic. I can be so happy if someone tells me that they found love in their life. It just makes me happy. To see people how they found love.. or if someone tells me good news.. i can be more happier than the other person. Some people cant understand that or find it strange. But for me it is normal to show your affection/ emotion to others if you mean it. Why should we pretend or hide it.

Sometimes I really ask myself, why are people so insecure. I know they are afraid of getting hurt. But isn't it that you just learn from all your mistakes and. That being insecure is a caracter habbit that you have to work on it. Just get all those strange ghost away from your head. Everyone has its own insecurities, but it doesn't mean that it has to rule you.

ok my head is going on and on.. from one topic to another. hope you reader can draw a line in it. and that you can understand what iam trying to write /say.

Find Yourself

When you find yourself in some far off place
and it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself...

When you make new friends in a brand new town
and you start to think about settling down
The things that would have been lost on you
are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself,
yeah thats when you find yourself

Well you go through life
so sure of where you're headed
And you wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
because you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself.

-Brad P. from the Movie "Cars"

Find Yourself

Feeling sad

If you can imagine it you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it. --William Arthur Ward --

you know the stories that begins ones in a lifetime there was A.....

In my case you can say ones in a life time a was a dreamer, but I think I lost myself. Is it a hard lesson of life or is it a hard lesson of having dreams, getting your hopes up.

yak... Need to get these darkclouds out of my head. Don't want to be philosophical today, It just makes me sad. Why I don't know. I'm just sad. Why there is a lot of reasons for it. But if you look at it from the sidelines it would look so small..
What can I say, its the small things that makes me happy, that what's me to enjoy life. But I'm caught in a world, where people just rush in to life, without any meaning of it value. Day in day out.

I'm just sad. India changed me in a sort of way. What shall I say, got a lot of time to think. But even than I don't have the answers on my questions. Strange. Life doesn't give you always the answers by thinking.

The holidays

Last Christmas & holiday I was for the first time in India. After a culture shock it was a nice vacation.

short impression of Mumbai..
gosh that city is so crowded and there are so many poor people living there. I liked the spirit of the people towards on. How they lived. They had so little but even than they could survive. I don't think I would survive it.

Nizamabad / Armur / Nyaped ( if you write it like that)
It was nice it was like the typical mid gow culture. It was nice being there. The air was fresh and I could rest for a while. A way from al the busy lifetracks etc.

Hyderabad
That I call a nice city, a lot of historical buildings and siteseeings and it was browsing al day. It looked like they don't sleep in India. It was worse than Mumbai hahaha in a good way ofcourse. What I noticed in India last Dec/ Jan there was every day somewhere in the city a wedding. I looked like there was a hype on the shaadi theme in this season.

all by all India was good for a first expression. And it really deserves a second chance.

but still my heart lies in my birthcountry... not Europe nor India